Letter to my future self.

I had the most amazing New Years Eve ever I think.
Craig came on Friday like we planned, we went bowling, to cinema to see Mission Impossible 4 and we had our dinner at Handmade Burgers Co. In cinema we hold our hands, and although it was full of people it didnt bother me. He makes me feel more comfortable than I've ever felt before. We spoke about Phil and I asked him if he remember what he loved about him when they've start to go out with each other. He didn't remember. And because of that our conversation jumped to what I'm doing now - letters to future self, where you write about how you feel about person that you love just after you meet. Therefore in future, when some things will fade you can remind yourself all the 'magic'.
His eyes. I can look in them for ages. I don't think I ever looked into someones eyes for that long. Them big gray-greenish eyes, the way he look at me and how he move them when he thinks or when he is laughing. Ha, I even love the wrinkles on the side of his eyes and the way his eyelashes are shaped.
His lips...I keep watching them too. Shape of them when he is laughing or when he is doing one of his silly faces. Perfect kisser. Soft nose. Him biting my ears. The way he kiss me and says that he love me even if he wakes up in the middle of the night. His spag bol and love to classic music. Sex, obviously lol. Amazing. Horny. Rough. Passionate. I feel like I can tell him everything, all my secrets and concerns. I love holding his hands. Bracelets, they will be gone soon, love them, add this kind of cheekyness to him. I love the way he is, things he likes and is passionate about. The way in which he is mature and some silly thoughts he got sometimes. The way he is planning to escape with me somewhere...

Billy

'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' is not a good break up film...

Finally pushed myself to start blog. I have been thinking about it before, probably because of weird (sic!) idea that I have got something to say, that muy contemplations may not be as unique as I sometimes think they are. And probably because my memory is slowing down now and I keep making same mistakes that make me ashamed of the way I approach the world. Let's say it is only a try out. I could never organise myself to do something for a longer time, I will see how much effort I am able to put in writing about myself. It is time to start propely reflect on my actions, time to face myself, and others. 

My name is Billy Armitage and I was born on 11th of October 2011. 

Last night I was faced with my shame, 'G' discovered what I was cunningly doing behind his back. My mistake...so many excuses coming to my head. 'It wouldn't work out anyway', 'there was nothing left from my love', 'STIs' you gave me', 'things you did', 'things I did'...I think I am good with my excuses. My head is banging, I can't stop thinking what now, what people will say, will I ever meet anyone, how G will do on his own. Why am I bothered?! Usually it is me who always calms people, 'robot' they call me, no emotions, no regret. Is that Billy Armitage? Or is he just another excuse? 

After giving him a long quiet treatment we went to bed together. Next thing I remember is him shouting that he is living and that I am a bastard (well, I am, sorry). He haven't left, stayed after my persuasion. I thought he kinda did not want to leave. He wanted explenation. So I told him. Excuses, excuses. 

What's now? I think I asked him this question about 20 times. 'I don't know', 'I don't know either', same response from both of us. I think I was scared. I haven't seen 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' for ages now. Thought it is a good movie about forgeting. Well like I mentioned before there must be something wrong with my memory. We've sat quite far from each other. Almost two hours without word and his slow movement towards me. 

Looking back in his memory, main character Joel want to keep good memories, 'delating' bad ones goes quite quickly. Maybe because there is only few of them. 

I thought there is a bad ending there...it wasn't. 'I think it is a movie about me' G said, I thought that. Again, but in different position. 

When leaving he said 'see you later', and I replied with same words.

Feeling bit empty now...like I said to him before 'I miss you when you not here, but can't stand you near me'. That's just crazy. Maybe I am crazy. That would explaing Billy Armitage.