Billy

'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' is not a good break up film...

Finally pushed myself to start blog. I have been thinking about it before, probably because of weird (sic!) idea that I have got something to say, that muy contemplations may not be as unique as I sometimes think they are. And probably because my memory is slowing down now and I keep making same mistakes that make me ashamed of the way I approach the world. Let's say it is only a try out. I could never organise myself to do something for a longer time, I will see how much effort I am able to put in writing about myself. It is time to start propely reflect on my actions, time to face myself, and others. 

My name is Billy Armitage and I was born on 11th of October 2011. 

Last night I was faced with my shame, 'G' discovered what I was cunningly doing behind his back. My mistake...so many excuses coming to my head. 'It wouldn't work out anyway', 'there was nothing left from my love', 'STIs' you gave me', 'things you did', 'things I did'...I think I am good with my excuses. My head is banging, I can't stop thinking what now, what people will say, will I ever meet anyone, how G will do on his own. Why am I bothered?! Usually it is me who always calms people, 'robot' they call me, no emotions, no regret. Is that Billy Armitage? Or is he just another excuse? 

After giving him a long quiet treatment we went to bed together. Next thing I remember is him shouting that he is living and that I am a bastard (well, I am, sorry). He haven't left, stayed after my persuasion. I thought he kinda did not want to leave. He wanted explenation. So I told him. Excuses, excuses. 

What's now? I think I asked him this question about 20 times. 'I don't know', 'I don't know either', same response from both of us. I think I was scared. I haven't seen 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' for ages now. Thought it is a good movie about forgeting. Well like I mentioned before there must be something wrong with my memory. We've sat quite far from each other. Almost two hours without word and his slow movement towards me. 

Looking back in his memory, main character Joel want to keep good memories, 'delating' bad ones goes quite quickly. Maybe because there is only few of them. 

I thought there is a bad ending there...it wasn't. 'I think it is a movie about me' G said, I thought that. Again, but in different position. 

When leaving he said 'see you later', and I replied with same words.

Feeling bit empty now...like I said to him before 'I miss you when you not here, but can't stand you near me'. That's just crazy. Maybe I am crazy. That would explaing Billy Armitage.